Elliot Garfield
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I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed.
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I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be my kinky inclination.
after being told not to bring any female guests into the apartment
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"It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let 'em kill me with panache.
reading a review of his disastrous
Richard III performance
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Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass.
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My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne.
during a rehearsal of
Richard III in which his director has made him play the title character as a flamboyant homosexual
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You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!"
Dialogue
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Elliot Garfield: I happen to have a lease in my pocket. Are you gonna honor it or what?
Paula McFadden: I have a daughter in my bedroom. That tops the lease in your pocket.
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Lucy McFadden:
[upon awaking at dawn to Elliot's chanting] What's that?
Paula McFadden: Sounds like God.
Lucy McFadden: I smell strawberries burning.
Paula McFadden: That's incense.
Lucy McFadden: What's incense?
Paula McFadden: It is what I am feeling right now.
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Lucy McFadden:
[after Elliot's play flops] Congratulations!
Elliot Garfield: For what?
Lucy McFadden: I didn't know what else to say.
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Elliot Garfield:
[after hearing that his play has closed] That's okay. Now I'm free to take that other job.
Lucy McFadden: What other job?
Elliot Garfield: I'm looking, I'm looking!
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