Hayley Stark
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[Finding Jeff's stash of child pornography] Oh, Jeff. This is what they make those federal laws for, Jeff. This is officially sick.
Jeff Kohlver
Dialogue
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Hayley Stark: You really just don't look like the kind of guy who needs to meet girls over the internet.
Jeff Kohlver: Well, I think it's better to meet people online first, sometimes. You get to know what they're like inside. When you work as a photographer, you find out real quick people's faces lie.
Hayley Stark: Does my face lie?
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Jeff Kohlver: Ah, so you and your mom are both wacked?
Hayley Stark: I dunno. That's that whole nature versus nurture question, isn't it? Was I born a cute, vindictive little bitch or... did society make me that way? I go back and forth on that...
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Jeff Kohlver:
[shakes his head weakly as he awakes from a drug induced stupor] Why, uhh, why do I get, tied up first if, if this is how we're gonna play?
Hayley Stark:
Jeff, play time is over... Now it's time to wake up.
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Jeff Kohlver:
[while tied to a chair] Look, look. I've been lonely, okay? And that makes me stupid, but I am not a pedophile. Look, this is some horrible mistake. Just untie me now and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened. Just untie me now!
Hayley Stark: Okay, well you know what? I am not lonely and therefore not stupid. I untie you, you might understandably be a little peeved. So when I am ready to go, I'll call a cab and call another one to let you loose.
Jeff Kohlver: And when will that be?
Hayley Stark: I'm not sure yet.
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Jeff Kohlver: Look, I'm a decent guy. Ask anyone. Go ahead. Ask these models. Call them; they'll tell you.
Hayley Stark: Of course they will. You're not an idiot, Jeff. You don't piss where you live. Those girls were your work, and I, on the other hand, was your play.
Jeff Kohlver: You were coming on to me!
Hayley Stark: Oh, come on. That's what they always say, Jeff.
Jeff Kohlver: Who?
Hayley Stark: Who? The pedophiles! "Oh, she was so sexy. She was asking for it. She was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman". It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it? Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman, does NOT mean she's ready to do what a woman does!
[pause] I mean, you're the grown-up here. If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious, you ignore it, you don't encourage it. If a kid says "Heeey, let's make Screwdrivers!", you take the alcohol away and you don't race them to the next drink!
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Jeff Kohlver: You've been stalking me?
Hayley Stark: Ok, ok, let's get something straight. YOU have been stalking me. I went into different chat rooms with different nicknames and you would get to know each one. And as soon as you found out they were any bit older than me you would just drop them like that. You took your time sniffing out someone my age.
Jeff Kohlver: I didn't talk to the others because they were boring. You and I connected.
Hayley Stark:
[nodding sarcastically] Right.
Jeff Kohlver: Oh, come on, you think I faked all that?
Hayley Stark: You know, actually, it's kinda funny. Because every time I would mention some obscure singer or band, you knew so much about them. But not right away, it was like a few minutes later. Maybe enough time to look them up on the web? Jeff, you used the same phrases about Goldfrapp as they do on Amazon.com. Busted! Oh and by the way, I fucking hate Goldfrapp.
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Jeff Kohlver: You're getting yourself in terrible trouble.
Hayley Stark: Oh? Oh, and how's that?
Jeff Kohlver: If you cut me in any way, you won't forget it. It changes you when you hurt somebody.
Hayley Stark: Oh, and you speak from experience, I guess.
Jeff Kohlver: I've just lived. Unlike you. The things you do wrong... they haunt you.
Hayley Stark: Tell me what you're haunted by.
Jeff Kohlver: Do you wanna remember this day when you're with a guy? On a date? Or on your wedding night? 'Cause I promise you you will. Don't do that to yourself.
Hayley Stark: Wow... You know, that is so thoughtful! You are speaking to me so selflessly! I mean, you just don't want me to castrate you for my own benefit? Wow, I'm touched. Jeff, why don't we imagine someone saying the same thing to you at a random moment? Imagine that when you downloaded this little girl... I was sitting by your side saying "Stop! Don't do that to yourself!". Would you have listened?
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Hayley Stark: Turns out castration is one of the easiest surgical procedures around. There's thousands of farmboys across the country gelding their livestock. If they can do it, I think I can pull it off. If you know what I mean.
Jeff Kohlver: I'm not fucking livestock.
Hayley Stark: You keep telling yourself that, stud.
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Jeff Kohlver: I'm not going to beg you.
Hayley Stark: You mean you're not going to beg
again? Because you do it so well. "Please, pretty please with a cherry on top!"... One that you just had to pop.
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Hayley Stark: Well if Denise was here right now, what would you say?
Jeff Kohlver: I'd say, "Help... a teenager cut my balls off. Call the police."