Dumb & Dumber De (2014)

Partager la citation sur facebook Crap on toast!

Partager la citation sur facebook Hey, Billy! I hear you got a lot of flocking birds.

Partager la citation sur facebook [going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State.

Partager la citation sur facebook That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.

Partager la citation sur facebook [first lines]
Asylum Nurse #1: [talking about Harry] There he is again. Almost two decades and he still comes.

Partager la citation sur facebook [Harry visits handicapped Lloyd at the asylum]
Harry: Anyway, you're in good hands here. So... take care, buddy.
[He walks off. Lloyd grunts]
Harry: [stops in his tracks] Lloyd, did you say something?
Lloyd: [barely audible] I got ya.
Harry: That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
Lloyd: [suddenly shouts in Harry's face] GOT YA!!!! [laughs]
Harry: [stammers] What?
Lloyd: [gets up from his wheelchair] You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!!!
Harry: Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?!
Lloyd: Uh-huh.
Harry: So you mean that you just wasted the best years of your life...
Lloyd: [scoffs] Out the window.
Harry: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like, 1,000 weeks, and it was all just for a gag!?
Lloyd: Uh-huh!
Harry: That's... awesome!

Partager la citation sur facebook Lloyd: Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse to take the catheter outta me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spittin' straight.
Harry: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd: But don't you have to...
[Harry forcefully pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]

Partager la citation sur facebook Lloyd: Oh, yeah! [picks up Harry's cat] Hey! Who's this?
Harry: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.
Lloyd: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry: 'Cause of this. [shows the cat's anus]
Lloyd: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

Partager la citation sur facebook Lloyd: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?
Harry: Oh that's my new room-mate.
Lloyd: [shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?
Harry: Well you know I had to get someone to pay your half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Ice Pick: Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Harry: Pick cooks up a rock candy that will make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy them.
Lloyd: It's burning my eyes! Must be Cajun style!

Partager la citation sur facebook Harry's Dad: We love you, Harry.
Lloyd: Did you love him long time?

Partager la citation sur facebook [Harry and Lloyd arrive at Mr. and Mrs. Stainer's house at night]
Lloyd: Wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry: Sure. [Lloyd constantly rings the doorbell] Yeah. That's pretty annoying.
Lloyd: No, not that.
Mrs. Stainer: [answering the door] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?!
Lloyd: That!

Partager la citation sur facebook Harry: Boy, I sure wish I could've been there for her (Penny) when she was little.
Lloyd: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change all those poopy diapers.
Harry: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.
[A flashback shows Harry putting a diaper on a handicapped Lloyd]
Lloyd: [chuckling] I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

Partager la citation sur facebook [Harry and Lloyd are in a hotel]
Harry: Oh, crap! We've gotta get back to Providence!
Lloyd: What? Why?
Harry: Remember how I told you Ice Pick had to make that rock candy run down to Maine?
Lloyd: Yeah?
Harry: I forgot to get someone to feed Butthole.
Lloyd: [sighs] Relax. I took care of it.
Harry: You did?
Lloyd: Yeah! Billy in 4-C's gonna feed him.
Harry: [chuckles] Oh, great. Well, didja give him the key to our apartment?
Lloyd: No! You think I want wheel marks all over the rug? I just wrote him a note, left some food and threw Butthole inside his place when we were leavin'. [goes to bed]
Harry: But Lloyd, Billy has over 100 rare birds in there!
Lloyd: So? They're not gonna mess with a 30-pound alley cat! Sheesh.
Billy: [rolls in the door and puts his keys aside] Hey, gang! I'm home! Guys? [his apartment is completely trashed and the corpses of his birds are scattered] You sure are quiet. [Butthole farts out several bird feathers and hops off the couch] Speak to me, Siskel.
Siskel: [squawks] The horror. The horror.

Partager la citation sur facebook Bernard: [after Harry shows him the letter] But that was a couple years ago, and I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to find her. Let's call her. [He dials her number and hands Harry his cellphone]
Harry: It's ringing!
[Lloyd hears Penny's cellphone buzzing nearby. He answers it]
Lloyd: [whispers] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something really important. Can you call back later?
Harry: [oblivious Lloyd is speaking] No, I can't call back later. I have something to tell you and it might freak you out a little bit, but...this is your dad.
Lloyd: What? Hold on. [to Adele and Bernard] Hey, guys? I know this is weird timing, but I got to take this. It's my dead dad.
Harry: [to Adele and Bernard] She's got me on hold.
[Adele and Bernard are confused]
Lloyd: Dad, what did you do with all those penthouses? Did you throw them out?
Harry: No, they're under my mattress. Why?
Adele: [sighs] You idiot, that is Penny's phone! [takes the phone]

Partager la citation sur facebook Lloyd: Hey, when is this KEN thing, anyway?
Travis: It actually starts today, but Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.
Harry: So that gives us...How many days are in April?
Lloyd: "Thirty days have September, all the rest I can't remember."
Harry: Must be 31, because nothing rhymes with August.
Lloyd: No, I think it's 32, Har. April's a leap month.
Harry: 31.
Lloyd: 32.
Harry: 31.
Lloyd: 32.
Harry and Lloyd: [overlapping] 2, 2, 2! 31, 31, 1, 1, 1!
Travis: 30! There's 30!
Harry: Thank you.
Travis: You said 31.
Harry: Yeah, but I was closer.

Partager la citation sur facebook Lloyd: Hey, you guys wanna play "He Who Smelt It"?
Harry: Yeah.
Travis: What's that?
Lloyd: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were just passing a slaughterhouse...
Lloyd: False fart!
Harry: ...you lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts, either.
Travis: What, are you guys kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffing you guys' farts like some kinda truffle pig! Forget it.
Harry: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd: Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
[Lloyd stares surprisingly at Travis]
Lloyd: I thought you said you never played before.

Partager la citation sur facebook Travis: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 3. Whoever guesses it gets to be king of the car.
Lloyd: 1!
Travis: Nope.
Harry: 3?
Travis: Nope.
[Harry and Lloyd think for a while]
Lloyd: Okay, what is it?
[Travis looks at Lloyd, quizzically]
Travis: 2.
Lloyd: [groans] Oh, I swear I was gonna say that!

Partager la citation sur facebook [Harry and Lloyd are walking to El Paso after their hearse got hit by a train; Harry is deaf]
Lloyd: [thinking Travis drove off on them] I can't believe that douchebag stole our hearse. I hope something really bad happens to him.
Harry: No, but I tried ostrich once.
Lloyd: [stops Harry] Harry, holy cow! I'm worried about you. [waves his hand over Harry's face] You're as deaf as a bat.
Harry: That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

Partager la citation sur facebook Harry: This is stupid Lloyd, I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!
Lloyd: Relax we're just looking for a backup pair, there's gotta be some around here.
[Lloyd and Harry search Mrs. Snergle's room for a hearing aid.]
Mrs. Snergle: Mikey?
Lloyd: [pretending to be Mrs. Snergle's grandson] Yeah, Gran. It's Mikey.
Mrs. Snergle: Oh, thank God you're here. I've got the diamonds.
Harry: [loudly] Did she say diamonds?
[Lloyd frantically shushes Harry and dashes to Mrs. Snergle's bed.]
Lloyd: Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.
Mrs. Snergle: I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go. I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.
Lloyd: That's good. Granny did a good thing! So, where are the rocks?
Mrs. Snergle: [pointing down] They're underneath me.
Lloyd: [about to look under bed] You mean, under the bed?
Mrs. Snergle: No, under the blanket.
Lloyd: Oh.
[Lloyd puts his arm under blanket and searches; Mrs. Snergles starts moaning.]
Lloyd: [chuckling] I'm not finding anything.
Mrs. Snergle: Go up more.
[Lloyd reaches his arm under blanket further towards Mrs. Snergle.]
Lloyd: Up here?
Mrs. Snergle: Keep going.
[Lloyd reaches his arm up even further, unaware he has just stuck his hand up Mrs. Snergle's vagina]
Lloyd: Did you hide them inside this turkey?
Mrs. Snergle: Yeah, right. [inhales seductively]
Lloyd: [wiggling his arm] Wait. There's no diamonds here!
Mrs. Snergle: [sternly] And you're not my grandson!
Lloyd: [trying to pull out his arm] Harry, she's got me. She's really clamping down!
[Lloyd finally pulls his hand out from blanket, now covered in dust. Mrs. Snergles giggles mischievously.]
Harry: [shuddering] Lloyd? I think that was her gran-gina!
Mrs. Snergle: That's right! So you can cross that one off your bucket list!
[Lloyd blows dust off his hand. Some of it flies into his and Harry's faces and they cough.]

Partager la citation sur facebook [After destroying the Mutt Cutts van, Harry and Lloyd are now driving a Zamboni. They beep the horn several times. On a country road, they cut past a tractor. While driving down a road surrounded by trees and bushes, Harry notices that Lloyd is asleep and intentionally drifts to the side of the road so that Lloyd's face hits several bushes, waking him up]
Harry: Bush club! Bush club! Bush club! Bush club! [giggles goofily as Lloyd glares in anger at him]
[Harry and Lloyd bathe in nuclear waste water from a power-plant. That evening, Harry and Lloyd are back on the road, now glowing green from the water]
Lloyd: I feel really good, Har.
Harry: Me too!
Lloyd: Really good!
[The next day, Harry and Lloyd are trying to out-drive a massive tornado]
Lloyd: [panicking] You might wanna step on it, Har!
[Harry is frantically driving at full speed, while Lloyd is pretending to run, as well as flapping his arms like a flying eagle. The next day, the sky is clear as Harry and Lloyd are driving down a desert road. They pass a road sign that reads "El Paso: 20 miles" and "Juarez, Mexico: 25 miles." Finally, Harry and Lloyd reach El Paso and arrive at the KEN Conference]

Partager la citation sur facebook Lloyd: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Lewis Meldman: Ah, Christmas, like the holiday?
Lloyd: No. Like the tree.

Partager la citation sur facebook Lloyd: How much for a beer?
Bartender: It's gratis.
Lloyd: [misunderstanding what "gratis" means] Ooh. That sounds expensive. Can you give us a moment?
[Harry and Lloyd turn around to talk]
Harry: Lloyd, we blew our money on the graduation robes. Maybe we shouldn't drink.
Lloyd: No way! I need booze, man. If I meet your daughter without a buzz on, she'll think I'm an idiot. [notices two men finishing their beers and gets a sneaky idea] Hey, wait a minute! What about the ol' Stinkeroo?
Harry: [thinks for a moment] Yeah! I'm in.
[Harry and Lloyd sneak over to the table, where they mix various drinks to create fake beers. Then, they scratch their butts with one hand each and grab the beer glasses with the same hand]
Lloyd: [to Ms. Sourpuss as she walks by] 'Scuse me, ma'am.
Ms. Sourpuss: Yes?
Lloyd: This beer smells funky. Could I have a new one, please?
Ms. Sourpuss: What do you mean funky?
Lloyd: Go ahead. Take a sniff. [holds out the glass for Ms. Sourpuss to sniff]
Ms. Sourpuss: [sniffs the glass] EWW! [takes the glass] I'll get you a freshie.
Harry: Mine's stinky, too. [holds out the hand that he scratched his butt with, only for Lloyd to hit him on the arm, reminding him to hold the glass out. Harry does so]
Ms. Sourpuss: [sniffs Harry's glass, then gags in disgust] Yours smells even WORSE! [takes the glass] I'll be right back.
[Harry and Lloyd laugh]
Lloyd: "Yours smells even worse!"
Harry: Thanks. You're really good at that, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Well, I learned from the best. [looks up] Thanks, Mom.

Partager la citation sur facebook Harry: You're hot for my daughter!
Lloyd: What?
Harry: Am I right?
Lloyd: What?
Harry: Am I right?
Lloyd: That's insane!
Harry: Don't deny it, Lloyd!

Partager la citation sur facebook Dr. Lewis Meldman: [dragging Harry by his arm] You're out of here. You're out.
[They run into Adele, accompanied by Dr. Walcott and Captain Lippincott]
Harry: [surprised] Mrs. P.! What are you doing here?
Dr. Barbara Walcott: Do you always call your wife Mrs. P.?
Harry: Oh, uh... How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.
Adele: This man is a fraud. And that box belongs to my husband. He stole it from us.
Captain Lippincott: Hand it over, buddy.
Harry: Uh-uh. I swore I'd only give this box to Penny.
Captain Lippincott: Gimme the box!
Harry: Here you go.

Partager la citation sur facebook Harry: Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12:00.
Lloyd: That's three hours away. Why can't I check 'em out now?

Partager la citation sur facebook [Harry and Lloyd are sitting on the back of a hauler with seats on the back, drinking milkshakes]
Lloyd: Oh crap! I ordered a vanilla shake and they give me a chocolate one!
Harry: Tell me about it! I ordered a chocolate shake, those jokes gave me a vanilla one!
Lloyd: They do that a lot! [They throw both their shakes out without realizing they have each other's shakes; the milkshakes hit the front of a truck behind them and splatter all over the window]
Familiar voice: What the HELL!??! [The driver turns out to be a much older Sea Bass]
Sea Bass' Friend: Kick his ass Sea Bass!
Sea Bass: Those dirty sons of bitches!!! [He pushes the accelerator and pursues them for long-awaited revenge]