Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass
Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl
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Dave, your father loved you. Just like my daddy loved me. And I know it hurts. But maybe-maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero. It's taking that pain and turning it into something good. Something right. Remember what you told me? "This is your life. You got to live it." Now help me find some pliers. I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
Chris D'Amico/The Motherfucker
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No. No. People WANT to win the lottery, People WANT to fuck Scarlett Johansson, No one WANTS to risk their life so some moron can walk through the projects at night.
Sal Bertolinni/Colonel Stars and Stripes
Dialogue
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Dave:
[narrating] Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks.
Mindy: Come on, guard up! Left, right. Guard up!
Dave:
[narrating] Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell. In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose.
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Chris D'Amico: What the hell, Mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?
Mrs. D'Amico: Yes. Yes I did, Christopher.
Chris D'Amico: That was the one with Kick-Ass!
Mrs. D'Amico: Ugh, Christopher! You've got to stop obsessing over this superhero!
Chris D'Amico: He is not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer! He blew Dad up with a bazooka, for heaven's sake!
Mrs. D'Amico:
[making sign of the cross] Your father died in a fire.
Chris D'Amico: A fire?!! What is your problem?
Mrs. D'Amico: You! You are my problem! I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy. That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.
Chris D'Amico: A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch!
Mrs. D'Amico: This conversation is over!
Chris D'Amico: Great! Then, I'm leaving. Come on, Javier, be cool.
Javier: Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool.
Chris D'Amico: I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner! You threw away my Red Mist costume. God! I am not the problem! You are! I wish you were dead! Mommy?
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[Hit-Girl fights off a gang of thugs, she talks to one of them.]
Hit-Girl: If I ever catch you robbing again, shit-burger, I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with your life of crime?
Thug: I-I promise.
[The thug then pulls a knife, but Hit-Girl suddenly slices his hand off. He screams in pain.]
Hit-Girl: Pants on fire.
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Marty: Come on, forget it. It's just one of those dickheads that follows the Motherlover on Twitter.
Dave: Who?
Marty: The Motherfucker, he's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain. He's got like a thousand followers already.
Dave: What an asshole.
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Mr. Lizewski: Dave, have you been sneaking out at night? Miss Neipert said she thought she saw you leaving at two in the morning.
Dave: Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad. She tried to teach her dog Spanish.
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Javier: He's little, and he kills.
Chris: Right. Call him "The Tumor". Who's next?
Javier: Alright. We got an ex-Triad member, looking for work.
Chris: Easy! "Genghis Carnage"! Come on!
Javier: You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
Chris: Archetypes. Keep going.
Javier: Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah.
Chris: Wait, wait, wait, a chick? You're saying you hired a chick?
Javier: Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate.
Chris: "Mother Russia".
Javier: Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.
Chris: I am not asking for suggestions. Just get them costumes and get them ready. Javier, thank you. I couldn't do this without you. You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.
Javier: Not a problem, man. I got your back.
Chris: It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
Javier: Did you just call me your fucking butler?
Chris: Yeah, is it not a compliment?
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[Dave finds his father in his room, holding his crime-fighting gear and realises Dave is Kick-Ass]
Mr. Lizewski: Is this what you've been up to while I'm up working nights saving for your college? You've been dressing up and fighting people? There is blood on these stick things!
Dave: What are you doing in my room?
Mr. Lizewski: I was looking for drugs. I was worried about you.
Dave: Oh okay, good. Now you can stop.
Mr. Lizewski: No. Now I'm even more worried. Jesus, Dave, drugs would've been better.
This is deranged.
Dave: Whoa, some people do a lot worse.
Mr. Lizewski: Oh, the people you hang out with?
Dave: No! The people I hang out with are superheroes.
Mr. Lizewski: There's no such thing, Dave. This is the real world with real consequences! When are you gonna grow up?
Dave: If it means turning into you, never. I don't wear the mask 'cause I'm ashamed of who I am! Not like you!
[Dave starts putting clothes in his backpack.]
Mr. Lizewski: What's that supposed to mean?
Dave: If you're not at work, you're here doing crunches. Why? So you can look like someone else? Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing? Your life has no meaning, Dad. When you're gone, who's gonna notice?
[heads towards door]
Mr. Lizewski: Where the hell are you going?
Dave: Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up.
[walks out the door, leaving his father distraught]
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Colonel Stars and Stripes: [
to Eisenhower] You have to stay in there till you calm down, you lunatic. Wonder what's bothering you.
Mother Russia: I know. Tonight you die.
Colonel Stars and Stripes: [
draws gun] Ladies first.
Mother Russia: You will not shoot me. You are super hero. You help people. You do not hurt them.
The Motherfucker: That's super villain territory or as I like to call my little gang, The Toxic Mega-Cunts.
The Tumor: [
waves] Hi.
Colonel Stars and Stripes: [
takes gun; clicks, Mother Russia realizes it's empty] Yeah, just like your head.
Genghis Carnage: [
Mother Russia overpowers Colonel, pulls out a machete and stabs him] Yeah!
The Tumor: Ooh, that's gotta hurt. [
Mother Russia uses Colonel's coat to wipe his blood off her blade]
The Motherfucker: I did my homework on you, Colonel. You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born-again?
Colonel Stars and Stripes: [
dying] I used to hangout with a lot of losers.
The Motherfucker: Is this how you thought you would die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot?
Colonel Stars and Stripes: Who are you supposed to be?
The Motherfucker: I'm the Mother Fucker! And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him. I am going to shit on everything that he loved. Let's trash this place guys. [
picks up mail statement]
The Motherfucker: Miranda Swedlow. Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team? [
googles her name and matches her with her face on the poster]
The Motherfucker: Night Bitch. All snuggled up to Kick-Ass. Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket.
Mother Russia: Want me to kill his dog?
The Motherfucker: The dog, Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil. Cut the old man's head off. You guys hungry? I'm starving. Let's go get some pizza.
Mother Russia: Don't worry, I kill you first.
[wraps legs around Colonel's neck]
Colonel Stars and Stripes: Justice Forever... [
snaps neck; dies]
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Kick-Ass: What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts?
The Motherfucker: Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.
Kick-Ass: You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad."
The Motherfucker: YOUR dad? You BLEW UP my dad with a BAZOOKA!
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Kick-Ass: What is wrong with you, dude? This is not a comic book, it's real-life! When you're dead, it's done! There's no sequel.
The Motherfucker: You made this real. You started it! Now I'm gonna finish it. I'll be immortal, like an evil Jesus.
Cast