Begrijpt U Nu Waarom Ik Huil? (Now Do You Get It Why I'm Crying?) is a 1969 documentary film by Dutch director Louis van Gasteren.
In the late 1960s Van Gasteren was drawn to the work of the Leiden University professor Jan Bastiaans (nl) treating traumatized war survivors. Gasteren was concerned about the psychotherapeutic treatment with LSD on a former concentration camp prisoner in Bastiaans' clinic. The patient focused on was named Joop. Joop was arrested by the Nazis in September 1941 and underwent a long journey through hell among different camps until he was liberated by the Russians in 1945. Joop returned home to his wife a different man. He had nightmares and was incapable of ordinary human contact. With two cameras Gasteren shot about six and a half hours of the first treatment Joop underwent at Bastiaans. Particular attention is paid to details: Joop's hands, the sweat on his forehead, a tear running down his cheek slowly. From this Gasteren edited more than one hour of film that made a big impression at release and even led to questions in Parliament. 16 mm, b/w, 62 minutes.
In 2003 Van Gasteren directed a sequel, The Price of Survival, about Joop's surviving family and their own continued suffering after his death in 2000. 62 min, 35mm.
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The film begins in 1967 with extremely exotic and unusual scenes of a mast (a kind of Sufi God-intoxicated person that Baba worked with), followed by a scene of Baba washing the feet of lepers. Next the filmmaker greets Baba with a bougainvillea branch and proceeds to interview him on God-realization, drugs, and cinema. The film ends with a much older Van Gasteren returning to India three decades later in a reunion with Eruch Jessawala who originally interpreted Baba's gestures. Meher Baba has long died as the now more mature men exchange words and photos. Also in the final scenes, Louis van Gasteren dons a red turban that Meher Baba had given him during their meeting in 1967 and which he had not worn for 30 years. The turban was later donated to the Meher Spiritual Center in Myrtle Beach.
As the film opens, a ninety-year-old Louis van Gasteren—a documentary filmmaker and artist famed in the Netherlands—is seated in a video editing suite, watching scenes of himself in the 1960s, a time when “anything was possible.” He reflects on how much he has changed, and that he is that same person and yet is not.